


December (aka Charlie's Journal)

by Anwamane_13



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 08:00:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1117459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anwamane_13/pseuds/Anwamane_13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe it were the slippers, but next thing I knew, I was in the bunker’s main room and, shit, I was not ready to see what I saw: Sam was grabbing someone’s head – Kevin’s, I learned later – and light was starting to flood out of the boy’s eyes. Dean was pinned to the wall, gasping in pain. I didn’t think, I just acted on pure instinct – maybe it’s the latent hunter in me, who knows? – so I took off one of the slippers and stabbed Sam’s back with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	December (aka Charlie's Journal)

                                                                                                         DECEMBER

                                                                                          AKA – CHARLIE’S JOURNAL

 

                                                             

 

December, 3th, 2013

First of all, this is not a diary; it’s a journal. Hunters don’t have diaries; they have journals where they write everything about their awesome adventures.

To be fair, I admit I’ve always wanted to have a diary, but the main question was always: what would I write about?

When I was growing up, after the accident, I didn’t have the will to put my life on paper, I just wanted to forget that I didn’t have a family anymore. Later, when I was on the run for 16 years, well… it would be stupid to write about myself and give the police ways to find me, so… I didn’t. Besides, who said it was cool living with a false identity? It was anything but. My life was boring and predictable: work, work, work, visiting Mom whenever I could, work, work, a convention here and there… so why the heck would I write about it?

But then I met the boys and, let me tell you, everything I thought about adventure and excitement was wrong. I mean, everything was right, because knowing there are supernatural things and creatures out there, and angels and demons and – it just puts your life in a whole another level, you know? Different perspectives, different everything, and even though Dean and Sam didn’t want me to hunt, I knew I had to. Once I knew what was out there, there was no way I would be left behind.

So, I went to Oz, and it’s so cool that I’m one of the very few people who can say that! It’s everything I had imagined, and more. But… don’t get me wrong, Dorothy is super cool, brave, beautiful and intelligent… but sometimes I got the feeling that she was losing her patience with me. Just a bit, and only sometimes. But frankly, I think it’s perfectly understandable that I ask so many questions, because I had never been a hunter before, and how would I learn all I needed to if I didn’t ask? And I may have been a little… afraid of those Flying Monkeys. What? They’re scary!

On top of everything, there’s no internet in Oz. No cell phones, no TV, no wi-fi. And that’s a big turn-off for me, you know?

So, yeah, It sucked sometimes. But then Dorothy took me to Glinda’s castle and… wow. Glinda is another story. Boy, is she beautiful. Imagine a goddess with long, rich golden hair and blue eyes, wearing a white dress. I was infatuated at first sight. Totally platonic, of course, what would someone like her see in someone like me? Maybe I have a thing for fairies. Well, Glinda is not a fairy, she’s a sorcerer – I don’t like the term “witch”, it’s too… ugly. Fairy, sorcerer, whatever, it doesn’t matter; she is awesome, kind, funny and she reminds me of Gilda.

So, Glinda said I could use the castle’s library. There are so many books there that I swear, even if I read one book a day I would be very, very old before I could read everything. There are many creatures in Oz, and there are several books about each one of them, so why wouldn’t I read about said creatures before I had to face them? It makes perfect sense for me.

But Dorothy said adventure needs to be lived, not read about. And I agree with her. Adventure needs to be lived, but it’s not my fault if I spent all my life behind a desk with a computer in my hands and now that I needed to run, hide, shoot and everything in between…I tired easily, I stumbled, I made noise when I shouldn’t… I admit I was always a little clumsy. So, yeah, maybe it was taking a little time for me to get used to this life. Maybe I wasn’t as ready for adventure as I thought I was.

So, I admit that I was a little bit homesick. Not that I missed my old, tiny apartment… but my computer, my playlists, my DVDs and Dean and Sam. Those boys grow on you and when you see, you’re smitten in a completely I-wanna-be-your-little-sister way.

But then, Glinda saw I was too “morose” (her words, not mine) and she told me I could come and visit. All I had to do was put on the Ruby Slippers and come back. I can’t say Dorothy was happy about it; at first she thought I was giving up on adventure. But then she said that freeing Oz from the Wicked Witch’s forces was her fight, her purpose, and that I had to find mine. That everyone needs a purpose and that maybe mine was coming back here and helping my friends. She even lent me the Ruby Slippers and made me promise I would keep them safe for her.

And I’m so happy I came back. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I hadn’t. Those boys, I swear, I have no idea what to do with them. It’s amazing that, with all the shit they have to go through in a daily basis, they manage to put themselves in even worse situations.

Anyways, I found this journal in one of the drawers here, when I came to bed; leather cover, fancy, pretty and everything. And with everything that happened tonight, I just had to write about it and put my thoughts in order. But it’s getting late and I’m tired, so maybe I’ll write about everything tomorrow, if the world doesn’t end.

Charlie

 

…

 

December, 4th, 2013

Well, the world didn’t end. Yet. But it may end soon, judging by all the talk I’ve heard today. Castiel says we’re all in great danger, Dean is sulking and clinging to a beer bottle, Sam is God knows where, Kevin locked himself in his bedroom yesterday and didn’t come out. Oh! And there’s a demon locked in the “dungeons”. Somewhere.

But first things first.

Yesterday morning, I put on the Ruby Slippers, hugged Dorothy and Glinda (Yay me!) The slippers give the wearer the ability to travel anywhere they wish to go, so all I had to do was think about the bunker and… voilà.

When I opened my eyes, I was in a corridor, alone, and it was dark. I didn’t know if it was day or night, and I had no idea where exactly in the bunker I was, since that place is huge, but everything was quiet. Suddenly, my heart almost stopped when I heard someone screaming God knows where and Dean shouting “No! No!”

Maybe it were the slippers, but next think I knew, I was in the bunker’s main room and, shit, I was not ready to see what I saw: Sam was grabbing someone’s head – Kevin’s, I learned later – and light was starting to flood out of the boy’s eyes. Dean was pinned to the wall, gasping in pain. I didn’t think, I just acted on pure instinct – maybe it’s the latent hunter in me, who knows? – so I took off one of the slippers and stabbed Sam’s back with it.

Sam kneeled on the floor, gasping, the slipper’s heel still buried in his back. Kevin dropped to the floor, limp like a rag doll. Dean squeezed his eyes shut and said loudly, “Cas, buddy, please, please, I need you. Now, Cas.”

Sam got up, his eyes flashing with a white light, and he turned to me, his expression furious and cold. “You!” he roared, and it was Sam’s voice and at the same time it wasn’t. It wasn’t Sam there, I could tell. He raised his arm and pointed in my direction, and I just knew he was going to hurt me; I just knew. I closed my eyes, because crap, I had come from Oz to die like this? I couldn’t believe it. I could hear Dean saying my name, but I couldn’t look. What a shitty way to go.

Suddenly, Sam gasped, and I heard another voice, this time a deep one, gruff and growly, speaking in a language I had never heard before. I risked opening my eyes and there was this guy in a suit, right between Sam and I. He was shorter than Sam, and thinner. And… there was this aura, this… power about him. He had his hand on Sam’s forehead, and the more he talked, the more Sam’s eyes glowed like a supernova.

Dean looked at them and all I can say about his face is that there was pure terror in it. I was petrified too. Then the guy started to speak in English. “Sam, you can fight him. You can tell him to leave, Sam. I know you can hear me. You need to be strong, this is very important. Fight him and tell him to leave your body. He cannot stay in you if you don’t allow him to. Fight!”

“Cas!” Sam gasped, putting his huge hands on the guy’s shoulders and holding on for dear life. “I can’t!”

So, this was Castiel. The angel. And wow, he was even dreamier than I’d thought.

“Yes, you can!” he insisted, and they went on like that for a bit, Sam pleading and saying he couldn’t, and Castiel insisting he could.

Then, the bright light in Sam’s eyes went out and he dropped to the floor, unconscious. Dean flipped shit, running to his side, asking Castiel what he had done to his little brother. I swear I thought Dean was going to slap the guy, he seemed out of himself. But the angel grabbed Dean’s arms and stood so close to him that I thought he was going to kiss my friend, I swear. He said that he had asked Dean to trust him once and Dean hadn’t, and he didn’t need to remind Dean what had happened after that. “I’m asking you now, Dean, please, trust me just this once. I’ll never hurt your brother again; I can fix this, but you need to trust me.”

They spent a few seconds staring at each other, really, really close, and man, I had never seen so much UST in my whole life. Then Dean nodded a little, just once, and looked pointedly at Sam, and just like that, the moment passed and Castiel took one step back.

He walked to where Kevin was, still passed out, put his hands on the boy’s face and, just like that, the redness around Kevin’s eyes disappeared and Kevin took a deep breath. Castiel carried Kevin to the couch and said he was going to be alright, he just needed some rest. Then he turned to me and his eyes were so blue that I almost choked. “Are you alright?” he asked, and all I could do was nod dumbly, because wow. Dreamy doesn’t even come close. Then he kneeled next to Sam and put a hand on his forehead.

He said to Dean: “Your brother is still damaged. The angel’s grace inside him was the only thing preventing him from collapsing. I think I can help him for now, just until we find a more permanent solution.”

I saw Dean opening his mouth to speak, but Castiel shushed him with a hard look, then he grabbed a dagger out of nowhere and made a small cut on his own throat. Instead of blood, white smoke slipped through the cut and went right up into Sam’s mouth. Sam immediately opened his eyes, looking around, visibly spooked. Castiel closed his eyes and leaned against the wall as if he were suddenly very tired.

After that, it was complete chaos. Sam and Dean had a huge fight, screaming so much that I thought my ears would burst. Castiel and I took Kevin to his bedroom and then fled to the kitchen, where we tried to make coffee, but couldn’t really concentrate, with all that screaming coming from the main room. We sat and pretended we weren’t uncomfortable with each other. He looked dead on his feet, ready to pass out at any minute, so I told him to go to his bedroom or whatever. Imagine my surprise when he said he didn’t think he had a bedroom here, so he would just pick the one closer to Sam and Dean, in case they needed him for anything.

It was only when he muttered that they probably wouldn’t need him, because he wasn’t an angel anymore again, that I started to understand what he had done to save Sam.

That was yesterday.

Today, I haven’s seen neither Kevin nor Sam. Dean is glued to the couch with a vacant expression and a beer in his hand and Castiel is in the library, face buried in some book he found. He said he’s looking for a way to help us.

As for me, I’m gonna order some pizza, go to my room and watch The Two Towers Extended Edition. I miss Éowyn.

Charlie.

 

…

 

December, 5th, 2013.

Today Dean told me everything that happened. We spent hours talking and, although he shouldn’t have to tell me everything, I’m glad he did.

So, it’s like this: Castiel said there’s this angel called Gadreel, who had been in prison in Heaven since forever. But then, Metatron’s spell expelled all the angels from Heaven, including this Gadreel guy. He heard Dean’s praying for help and used Dean’s desperation to ‘hide’ from all the other angels inside Sam, and gave Dean a false name: Ezekiel.

For one, it was good he used Sam as a vessel, or Sam would have died. The trials almost killed him and the false Ezekiel said he would fix Sam. On the other hand, the angel apparently didn’t do anything like that, because as soon as he left Sam’s body, Sam collapsed and he would be dead – again – if Castiel hadn’t put some grace into him.

Wow, this is complicated.

Castiel hadn’t known who was the one possessing Sam, until he put his hand on Sam’s forehead. But by then, he needed to expel him from Sam because Gadreel had almost killed Kevin, and who knows what else he was capable of doing. He had already made sure Dean kept Castiel away from the bunker, so he wouldn’t get caught.

No one knows what Gadreel wants. But Dean and Castiel say it can’t be good, because they don’t understand why he tried to kill Kevin. Prophets should be protected, not killed. They think Gadreel is working with someone, but the other angels wouldn’t work with him, maybe they would even tried to kill him if they knew where he was. And, of course he knew that.

“If you hadn’t arrived when you did, Charlie…Kevin would be dead,” Dean said. “That fucking prick had me pinned to the wall and I wouldn’t be able to do anything.”

He also said that things will be more than complicated here and maybe I should go back to Oz. I told him no way; I’m not leaving them now. Oz is great, but it’s not my world. My reality is here, and if there’s anything I can do to help, I will.

Then, Sam came from the corridor, limping a little, on his way to the kitchen. “You okay, Sammy?” Dean asked, but Sam didn’t even look at him. Dean got so sad that my heart ached for him. I understand that Sam is angry; who wouldn’t? But crap, it’s hard to see them like this.

Dean is worried about the grace inside Sam. Castiel doesn’t know if there will be side-effects, because it’s pure grace, and angels are the only beings made to contain something like that. But, in his words, he did what he had to do. And I’m so happy that Sam is around, even if he’s in his bedroom all the time.

Speaking of Sam, I caught him and Kevin having a heart-to-heart conversation tonight. It’s funny, because this place is so big, but I always end up listening to people’s conversations. Not that I want to. I’m curious, not nosy.

Anyway, I think Sam was apologizing. Of course it was not his fault, but Kevin had been avoiding him. Maybe he’s traumatized. God knows I would. I don’t know what they said to each other, but the talk ended with a hug, so I guess now things are fine.

The meals are uncomfortable, though. Dean cooks, but we don’t sit down to eat together. And Sam, he doesn’t even touch the food; he orders pizza, goes out for a salad, or skips dinner completely. It’s sad.

Dean’s been drinking a lot. One of the fridges has nothing but beer in it. I know it’s his way of coping with Sam’s silence – and the fact that it’s totally his fault. But I don’t like it. Castiel also doesn’t, judging by the way he looks at Dean whenever Dean starts to drink.

I’m going to bed now. I’m beat. Someday I hope I can write more than drama in this journal. I could write a fanfic with all this crap going on.

Charlie.

 

…

 

December, 8th, 2013

 

Today, I finally found the courage to go to my place and get the rest of my things. Dean said that, since I’ve decided to stay in here, I should stay with them in the bunker. They attract enough crap to get me killed too, and that’s a scary thought. But the bunker is the safest place there is at the moment.

Except for the demon downstairs.

But anyway, I asked Sam his opinion and he agreed with Dean for once. So, he took me in the Impala to gat my things. Sam, I mean. Dean was in the shower and Sam just grabbed the keys, grabbed my hand and off we went. He probably did this to piss Dean off, and it would be funny if it they were alright. Instead, it’s just sad. There’s no other term for it: it’s sad. Because Sam and Dean really love each other, you know?

Sam didn’t talk too much on the way there. I’m glad Kevin decided to come with us, or it would have been awkward. On the way back, though, we stopped for some groceries and later for lunch and it was fun. Kevin knows some really clever jokes, and I’m glad that Sam and I could keep up with him. Sam is a smart guy and – not that Dean is dumb or anything, he’s not; he’s clever and brave and I love him – but I’ve always seen Sam as the ‘brain’ and Dean as the ‘heart’. It was good to see Sam laughing; it was good to know that he had a good time with us. I love him too.

When we came back, they stayed back to unload the groceries and I went to my bedroom with my stuff. Now, as I said before, I’m not nosy, and I was carrying all my clothes. It’s also not my fault that my room is right beside Castiel’s. So, I got in my bedroom but left the door open, and next thing I know, Dean gets out of Castiel’s room and they stop to talk right there, in the corridor.

Dean’s voice was low, almost tender. “You be more careful next time. You know, knives cut, especially those ones.” It almost sounded as if he was talking to a child.

And Castiel’s voice, like gravel. “Thank you for the stitches, Dean.”

Dean: “Dude, don’t mention it. I just… I’m sorry you can’t heal yourself anymore.”

Castiel: “I don’t regret it. Sam is alive.”

Dean: “I know, but I wish you hadn’t needed to make another sacrifice for us. And… I’m sorry that I told you to leave the bunker, man. You know that asshole made me do it, he said if he left Sam without him being healed, he would die and I just – I couldn’t…”

Castiel: ”He was right, at least what he said about Sam was true. He would be dead if not for Gadreel. And we still don’t know if what I did was a good thing; we don’t know what will happen to Sam with all that grace I put inside him.”

I felt bad, I swear. I knew I shouldn’t be listening to that talk. Is sounded far too intimate. But what could I have done? If I’d closed my room’s door they would’ve seen me, and it would’ve been even more awkward. So I stayed quiet, praying for them to go talk and be cute somewhere else.

The talk went on for a few more minutes; Dean’s voice always low and soft, Castiel’s answering with equal tenderness. Wow, those two really care about each other. It’s easy to miss this in their day-to-day interactions, but, seeing them like this was… nice. Beautiful. Dean needs a friend and, as far as I know, Castiel has no one else in the world; the poor guy’s family sucks. They’re good for each other.

Finally, finally, Dean left. I started to breathe again, relieved, and went to close the door…

Castiel was there, apparently waiting for me. His left hand was bandaged and his shirt had a few drops of blood.

“Thank you for not announcing your presence,” he said. “Dean would have been uncomfortable.”

Crap. My cheeks burned and I’m sure they were very, very red. “I wasn’t – it wasn’t on purpose,” I mumbled.

The guy smiled at me, and hey, he’s really cute; those blue eyes looking tired and sad made me want to hug him. Of course I didn’t. “I know it wasn’t, don’t worry. I’m glad you are Dean’s friend. He needs good friends, they’re important to him. You are important to him.”

If possible, I felt I was blushing even more. “You’re important to him too,” I stammered.

He looked at me with a sad smile. “Yes… maybe I am,” was all he said, and went to his bedroom again.

Maybe? I wonder what happened between him and Dean to make Castiel doubt his importance. I mean, okay, Dean told him to leave, but he didn’t want to. Dean’s always looking at him funny, as if he’s expecting Castiel to disappear. As if he’s… afraid Castiel will go away. I’m sure he would never have asked Castiel to leave if he hadn’t been forced to do it. Maybe it’s easier to see this from the outside, and I don’t know Castiel, of course. But I think he, too, would never leave Dean’s side if he had a choice.

Maybe I’m biased. I love Dean, he’s my favorite person in the world. And I can see he’s not okay. I really hope Sam will forgive him soon, because this is killing him. I know it’s not easy to forget something like that, but Sam is a nice guy and he loves Dean. I know it was Dean’s fault but, crap, he’s in a bad place, and it looks like the only thing that keeps him standing is the war that’s coming and the fact that his friends are here. Castiel. Kevin. Me. That’s one more reason why I’m staying.

Charlie

 

…

 

December, 12th, 2013.

Well, shit.

Apparently, Sam’s only alive because there’s angel grace inside him. The same grace that Castiel stole from an angel named Theo, I think. And it’s really rare that Sam didn’t die when said grace went up his mouth; they think that, because he was made to be a Luc a vessel – I’m not gonna write his name in my journal, sorry – he has some ‘tolerance’ to an angel’s grace and he didn’t explode.

Great. Sam could have exploded that day, but if Castiel hadn’t risked his life by putting that grace into him, he would be dead now.

I’m repeating myself, I know. But sometimes this is too much and I need to vent. It’s my journal, isn’t it?

Sam doesn’t want to talk about it, but I heard him screaming to Dean that maybe it’s time for Dean to let him go, he feels ready to die. Crap, I don’t want to see Sam dead, and I understand that what Dean did was terrible. I mean, tricking Sam into allowing an angel inside him was a shitty thing to do. But, if I were in Dean’s place, I don’t know what I would have done. I’ve never had anyone I loved as much as Dean loves Sam and, okay, Dean’s behavior is more than pathologically obsessive, but… he did it because he loves his brother. I know that love is not an excuse for everything and it doesn’t magically fix someone’s mistakes, but it was love anyway.

Which leads me to the other thing I’ve been thinking about: Castiel.

From what Dean told me – in the rare occasions he wasn’t sulking or moping – Castiel had stolen the other angel’s grace because ‘a war is coming and he wants to be ready for it’. Well, now he gave his grace to Sam, and he’s human. I was there, you know, it’s kinda hard to forget.

So I ask myself what are we going to do now that Castiel is human. Having an angel fighting with us is reassuring, and even though the grace was not his, it was something he could use to protect us, right? He fixed Kevin, saved Sam (and healed the wound I made on his back with the Ruby Slippers).

Now, don’t get me wrong, human Castiel is great and all, but he’s just another human; scared, weak and very much mortal, like the rest of us. If he knows a war is coming, why did he give his grace to Sam? I’m totally grateful he did what he did, because Sam is alive. I just don’t understand why Castiel didn’t look for another way to save him. He’s an angel, so how difficult it must be for him to find a cure for Sam? He helped Sam expel the other angel Gadreel but then, he put himself in a complete vulnerable position, giving freely the same grace he fought hard to get.

Maybe I just don’t understand how this grace thing works. Maybe Castiel, as an angel, is as limited as the rest of us, and Sam couldn’t be fixed any other way. Maybe Castiel knew that Dean would never forgive him if Sam died because he helped him expel Gadreel – although the asshole was killing Kevin.

What do I know, anyway?

Maybe Castiel is as dependent on Dean as Dean is on Sam. Maybe Castiel didn’t want to live knowing that Dean hated him. Because Dean would hate him; he would never understand Sam’s death; he would blame Castiel so he wouldn’t have to blame himself in the first place for allowing Gadreel in. Dean is like that. I love him, but he can be shitty sometimes.

So, yeah. Sam and Dean are still not talking. But now Castiel and Kevin are working together on the angel tablet, and I’m helping them with the research. It’s not much, but at least, it’s something to do. Apparently there’s a section in the tablet that’s so obscure that Kevin is finding it hard to understand, and maybe Castiel can help. The guy is human now, but he still knows all the idioms that ever existed.

Things are strangely calm on the war front. But Castiel says we shouldn’t be fooled. Bartholomew and Malachi are cunning and anything can happen at any moment. Anyways, I’m going to Walmart tomorrow morning, because Castiel has only one, maybe two shirts and today was laundry day and he looked really pathetic in one of Sam’s shirts because he had nothing else to wear. And he’s going with me.

He said he doesn’t want to go, but I really don’t care. I need some air. Sam and Dean’s silence is killing me. So, to Wallmart it is. I’m sure Dean will take us and, if Dean’s going, Castiel won’t complain. Much.

I think I’m starting to like him.

Charlie

 

…

 

December, 19th, 2013.

 

Things are getting worse. This place used to be so cool, but now it’s like a tomb. We all spend the whole day researching, but we’re always apart; I don’t remember when was the last time we were all together in the same room. Oh! I remember now; it was the day it all went to shit and Gadreel almost killed Kevin.

I don’t even know what we’re looking for. Omens? Mass murder? A miracle? None of us have the slightest clue. We’re like, suspended in mid-air, waiting for something we don’t know when or if will come. I spend hours online every day and there’s nothing different going on in the world. Same crazy people, same poverty and hunger in the world, same politicians who think they’re so smart, same homophobes, same everything.

Sam and Dean still can’t stand each other. Well, it’s more like Sam can’t stand Dean. Whenever Dean walks in a room, Sam leaves. I’m amazed Sam is still living here. Maybe it’s because he knows that something big and shitty is coming our way and he wants to be with us when it happens.

Castiel and Sam have been talking. I think he’s trying to make Sam forgive Dean. But so far, nothing has changed. It’s nice to see they’re friends too. Castiel would do anything for Sam. Well he did; he saved him. He also messed with his head once. This is really complicated. Life is not a fanfic where we have the good guys and the bad guys. Everyone is guilty of something at some point in their lives.

Complicated is an understatement.

I wonder how Carver Edlund would put this mess in one of his books. A lot of people would hate Castiel, I’m sure. But some of them would hate Dean.

I wonder if he would write about me. Although there’s not much to say, I helped them, didn’t I? Well, the prophet is Kevin now. And I’m glad he’s more worried about the tablets and not about the gospels. I’m not ready to become famous.

I tried talking to Sam about Dean, too. Once. And it was more like, “Listen, Charlie, you don’t know what’s like to see that your own brother went behind your back and tricked you into allowing a fucking angel inside you. This was the ultimate betrayal. I never thought that Dean would do this…we had made a promise to each other: no more lies. And he goes and fucks everything up again.”

How could I argue with that? He was right. So I gave up and went to Dean. An intervention was in order, because the guy was wallowing in self-pity and self-recrimination like only Dean knows how to do.

He was already drunk and it wasn’t even ten PM. I locked all his remaining beer in one of the cabinets and when he came to me saying “what the fuck, Charlie?” I said, “we need to talk.” He rolled his eyes, but agreed to sit down and talk, so I guess he was really drunk, because ‘Dean’ and ‘talking’ are not words that go together. And it’s not that I think that what he did to Sam is right. But… if it were my brother, who knows what I would have done?

“You need to talk to him,” I said. “Tell him how you feel, tell him that you were desperate and he was dying and you acted on an impulse because you love him so much!“

But Dean shook his head, dismayed, saying he’d already tried and Sam didn’t even look at him. “You think he doesn’t know that? You don’t understand,” he said, and he sounded so sad that my heart broke. “I was four, the house was on fire and dad put Sammy in my arms and said I needed to take care of him, keep him safe. That’s my job, Charlie. That’s the reason I’m here. I’m not supposed to outlive my little brother.”

And hey, that hit too close to home. I outlived my parents, so I know how it is to be left all alone in the world. Sam is the only family Dean has left. “Try again, Dean. You can’t go on like this.”

And then Dean was crying. Tears streaming down his face, and the more he tried to dry them, the more they fell. I swear to God, no one cries and stays pretty, except for Dean. I wanted to hug him and tell him everything was going to be alright.

He took a deep breath and went on. “We’re going to fix this shit, I swear; even if I die trying. Because if one of us is going to die in this Heaven-Hell push and pull, it’s gonna be me. Sammy will get a job, find a girl, get married and live the apple pie life he wanted me to have. That shit’s not for me anyway. I was never normal and I’ll never be.”

“You deserve the apple pie life too,” I said.

Dean shook his head. “Who says I want it? But Sammy does. He was happy, he was in college, he had a girl he loved. Then I dragged him back to this life. If it weren’t for me, he would be married, he would be a lawyer, who knows?”

“If it weren’t for you, he would be dead, or maybe the Devil’s vessel, and you know it.” I raised my head and there was Castiel, eyes fixed on Dean. Castiel was staring at his face like he wanted to trade places with him, like he wanted to absorb all suffering for himself and leave Dean free.

It was then that I knew that Castiel loved Dean. Like, he loved Dean. And everything he had ever done for him – which I’ve heard from the boys themselves – and the scene I had witnessed – Castiel giving his stolen grace to Sam so Dean wouldn’t be without his brother – only served to confirm what had been clear since I first saw the angel. He loved Dean, and he would do anything for him. If he had to die to save Dean, he would. If he had to die to save Sam so Dean wouldn’t suffer, he would.

Felling out of place, I got up and left the kitchen as fast as I could. But from the main room, I could hear their raised voices in another heated argument. Dean ended up storming out of the bunker, looking pissed, while Castiel stayed there looking like a kicked puppy.

I took a deep breath and went back to the kitchen. “You want some tea?” I was trying to be nice.

Castiel sighed. “I don’t mind that he takes his anger out on me. At least this way he forgets that he was the one with the stupid choices this time. I just hate that he fails to see that he’s as important as Sam, and that his brother needs him as much as he is needed. They’re codependent, and it may be too much sometimes, but it works.”

I don’t know whom he was talking to. Certainly not me, because he was looking at the floor and shaking his head sadly.

I’m starting to miss Oz and the Flying Monkeys.

Charlie

 

…

December, 22nd, 2013

 

Castiel disappeared this morning. Sam and Dean went looking for him, and they haven’t come back yet. I’m really worried.

Castiel and Kevin were at the library with the tablet, when one of them mentioned Metatron. Castiel then started to explain that Malachi had planned to join forces with Bartholomew to take back heaven from Metatron, and that we should all expect a huge war and lots of deaths, because they’re angry and they don’t exactly care about their vessels.

Then, Kevin looked at Castiel, puzzled, and said: “I don’t know why they’re bothering anyway. According to Crowley, the tablet says that Metatron spell is irreversible. They can never go back to Heaven.”

Castiel went very still, like someone had stabbed him and he couldn’t breathe. He made Kevin repeat what he’d just said, but then Kevin asked how come Castiel didn’t know this yet, since Sam and Dean had known this for weeks. Castiel got up without another word and left the library. Kevin and I followed him, because it was strange that he didn’t know that yet; hell, even I knew.

When we got to the kitchen he was already yelling at Dean, and when Sam went to see what was happening, he started to yell at Sam too. I swear, if he were still an angel, he would have pulverized them. He looked really angry, but most of all, he looked hurt, betrayed. I guess there are a lot of unresolved trust issues between the three of them.

Suddenly, he stormed out of the kitchen and we stayed there, looking at each other, not knowing what to do. We heard his bedroom’s door banging, and Dean gave us all an uncomfortable smile and said “Cas will come around.” Sam looked at him for a second, and I thought he was going to say something, but he just shook his head and left.

It was only when dinner came that we noticed that Castiel had left. Dean went to call him and his bedroom was empty, the bed made. We looked for him everywhere in the bunker, but it’s obvious that he left, because he took his two shirts and his cheap suit with him, and he didn’t even leave a note. He left all the clothes we bought for him.

Dean was frantic, his uneasiness clear as water; it’s easy to see that he cares about Castiel a lot. Sam too, he looked shaken, kept saying that it was his fault that Cas was an easy prey for the other angels.

“And now he’s out there!” Dean yelled, grabbing the Impala’s keys and running to the door. “I have to find him. He had just turned into an angel again, but I couldn’t leave him alone! No, I had to go and drag him back here to fix my shit.”

To our surprise, Sam grabbed his arm, saying: “Wait. I’m coming with you. He’s without his grace because he gave it to me, so it’s my fault too.”

Sam and Dean: Kings of recrimination and guilt.

At least they’re talking to each other now.

Charlie.

 

…

 

December, 24th , 2013

No sign of Castiel so far. Sam came back, saying that he needed to contact someone named Garth that was the new Bobby – I have no idea what he was talking about, but it sounds like this Garth coordinates the hunters? Anyway, maybe the guy could help finding Castiel.

Dean didn’t come with Sam, he went back to the Gas’n Sip place Castiel was working to see if he had gone back there. Again. Because they’d already gone and talked to the owner before, a woman named Nora, but she hadn’t seen Castiel for some time.

So now it’s been two days and nothing. It’s like the guy vanished into thin air. What if another angel caught him? What if someone killed him?

On the tablet front, Kevin says that maybe if we can put Gadreel back inside Sam, we can force him to tell us if he knows what’s going on with the angels. But it’s not a good plan. First: Gadreel lied to Dean before and will surely lie again. Second: we can’t be sure Sam will have the strength to expel Gadreel from him again. Third: will Sam survive this? He almost died before and now Castiel can’t fix him. Fourth: the bunker is now warded against angels because Castiel taught us all how to do it; Gadreel wouldn’t be able to come back.

Tomorrow is Christmas. Kevin told me he’d gone to Walmart last week and bought this plastic tree and other decorations, just in case Sam and Dean were talking again when Christmas came. Well, now they are, but none of us is in the mood for celebrating. Crap.

Charlie.

…

December, 25th, 2013.

Dean found Castiel slumped behind the Gas’n Sip last night, with a cut on his forehead and other bruises. But at least Castiel was awake when he came back with Dean today, first thing in the morning. Apparently an angel found him, some guy named Jedediah. But Castiel is so BAMF that he killed him, even not being an angel anymore. Well, that’s really sad, I suppose, the Jedediah guy was his brother, after all.

But hey, on the bright side, Castiel seemed to be in one piece. Dean was looking so relieved that he was barely hiding the huge grin on his face. He hovered over Castiel like a mother hen, taking him to his bedroom and adjusting his pillows several times. Sam looked relieved too, but… not like Dean. Dean looked ecstatic.

Hum. That’s interesting. Maybe Castiel’s feelings aren’t one-sided, like I thought.

Anyway, the bunker came to life after that. Kevin and I went into ‘Christmas mode’ and we just finished putting the big, ugly, plastic Christmas tree in the main room. Dean is right now in the kitchen making chili, because there’s the only thing we have ingredients for right now. Sam went out to buy beer and pie. Castiel is sleeping. Looks like I’m going to have a Christmas lunch with my family. Yay!

Charlie.

 

…

 

December, 27th, 2013.

I had completely forgotten that we have a demon in the house. Well, technically this is not a house, but anyway, Crowley is down there and how can anyone feel safe? But hey, Sam and Dean said it’s alright, he’s not going to escape and I believe them. In any case, my bedroom has a devil’s trap under the rug. Better safe than sorry.

Sam, Dean and Castiel spent a lot of time with Crowley today. Kevin and I, we decided to go for a walk. We don’t want to know what happens down there, and Kevin hates Crowley because of what he may have done to his mom. If the boys decide to hurt or even kill the demon, I don’t want to know about it. I don’t think Kevin really cares. But whatever they do, we don’t want to hear it. When I think he was a person once, it gives me chills to know he chose this for himself.

Kevin is great. It’s a pity he had to leave school. He’s so smart, almost as smart as I am. LOL. Anyway, we make a good team. In an ideal world, this thing with angels and demons will end one day, they won’t need a prophet anymore, Kevin will go to uni and become the first Asian-American president of the USA. We will work together and be rich.

If everything goes to shit, though, it will be nice to have fought by his side. Not that I think the two of us would be of much help, or even fight too much, but you know what I mean.

We went to the mall. Funny how, when you’re involved with the end of the world, you forget about mundane things. Like having an ice cream, going to the nearest Game Stop and see what’s new – they say the new Assassin’s Creed 4 Black Flag is great. Just… being alive and okay is really great, you know? And I’m okay now. I’m happy to be back. I liked Oz, and maybe one day I’ll even go back. But my place is here for now.

When we came back, Sam told me they didn’t have any luck with Crowley. He didn’t tell them anything they didn’t already know. Not that they expected him to cooperate, but anyway… Sam was really disappointed.

After talking to him, I went to the library and logged in my Tumblr blog. I’d just come back from a great day out with my friend and I was happy. I just forgot about the world and started reading about the new Sherlock season. Then, when I turned to leave, hours later, Dean and Castiel were there, sitting at a table close to the door.

They hadn’t seen me. Maybe that’s because I was hidden in the huge armchair on the corner, with my back to the door. What? I wanted to be alone for a while. And I was so engrossed on Tumblr that I hadn’t seen them coming. They were so close that their heads were almost touching and I don’t think any of them was reading much.

Crap. Again? On an instinct, I hid behind the armchair. I didn’t want to hear them talking, so I put on my headphones and stayed quiet. I turned on my laptop again, and… nothing. The battery was in less than 2% and the screen flashed and died.

Great.

“Demons lie, Cas. It’s what they do. You know that.” Dean was saying, so softly that I almost didn’t hear him. And I didn’t want to hear him, dammit!

Castiel: “I still want to help them, Dean; even if I never get my grace back; even if they kill me. It’s because of me they’re like this. Can’t you see?”

Dean: “Metatron tricked you! And Crowley is a fucker; how do you know he didn’t lie? Come on, don’t give up, buddy. Let’s concentrate on this symbol you saw in the tablet; see if we can find out what it means. If Metatron wrote that line in a way that not even Kevin understands it, it’s because it’s something that could help us.”

Castiel: “You’re right. I… I’m sorry if I despair sometimes. It’s just that… it’s not easy to be a human.”

Dean: “Don’t I know it. But I’m here for you, okay? I’ve got you, man.”

Okay, that was enough. I rubbed mu eyes until they were red and got up from the armchair, trying to look sleepy. “Hey, guys,” I said.

Dean almost jumped from his chair. Castiel looked at me with that blank expression of his, but I don’t think I fooled him; the corners of his mouth were up, just a little, as if he was trying to hide a smile. Well, that’s great. The guy will think I’m a creepy stalker.

I fled from the library, telling them I had been there napping and I’d just woken up, and I was hungry and… well, I almost ran from there. I hope at least Dean bought my story.

But you know what? I ship them, LOL.

Charlie.

 

…

 

December, 31st, 2013.

YAY! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sam hugged me this morning. He looked happy. He said he and Dean are okay again. He said he can’t stay mad at Dean with all the shit that’s coming; they need each other. They can’t work together as a team if they’re not talking to each other, so he decided to try to forget what happened.

But deep down, I know that the upcoming mess wasn’t the only reason: Sam needed his big brother as much as Dean needed him. Because, at the end of the day, what matters is that they’re brothers, a family, and they should stick together.

I asked how he felt, with the grace inside him, and he said he’s great. But he’s also scared. He said he’s thankful for what Castiel did, but he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, because nothing for him is easy, ever. He thinks he won’t survive this, because God knows if the grace is fixing him or just acting as a buffer to keep him from dropping dead.

Also, he was afraid he would turn into an angel, but Castiel told him it wasn’t possible. It’s a pity, Sam would look great with big bad-ass angel wings – Dean told me it’s a scary image, and I wouldn’t want to see something like that but I think it would be cool. Kinda. Because we really need a little help here, you know? We’re not getting anywhere.

Well, I’m off to the grocery store again, but this time to buy the closest thing to champagne I can find. We’re going to have a party.

Charlie.

 

…

 

January, 1st, 2014.

 

                                              

 

It’s 6 AM and I’m going to bed now. We all had a great time together, and I’m dead on my feet. I danced, can you believe that? Me, dancing? I’ve always been too awkward and clumsy to dance. But, Kevin put on some loud music, grabbed my hand and we danced till our feet hurt. And you know what? I loved it; because I was with friends that love me and wouldn’t judge me or mock me.

Well, Kevin and I danced. Sam and Dean, of course, didn’t. But they were smiling with us, not at us, so it’s fine. Castiel didn’t dance either. He looked too serious, looking at Kevin and me with his head tilted to one side, like a baby bird.

He’s funny sometimes. As a human, he looks almost vulnerable. He’s quiet and he moves slowly, like he’s not used to his own body. But when I first saw him, the day I came back, he was so bad-ass like you wouldn’t believe. He looked so… powerful and it was so cool to see him. I may have developed a friend-crush on him.

Great. First Dean and Sam, now Kevin and Castiel: more people for me to worry about, now that the world is going down the drain again.

But hey, the party was great and there was food too! There were pork ribs, mashed potatoes, salad (for Sam, of course), green beans and tuna casserole. And, for desert, we had two pies; one apple, one cherry.

At midnight Sam popped the champagne open and we made a toast. I may have made a fool of myself and cried a little, saying how much I loved all of them. Dean hugged me and said they all love me and they’re really happy I came back. I may have cried a lot more after that.

We even took a picture together, all of us. There was this automatic camera in the bunker, a little old, but it did the job.

Then we decided to have a Star Trek marathon, because it’s fun, okay? And because Castiel had never seen a Star Trek episode in his life.

Not that he cared much. He slept as soon as the third episode started, with his head on Dean’s shoulder. Dean tried to joke and say he wasn’t a pillow, looking at us worriedly, trying to guess our reaction.

But Sam looked at me and winked, and Kevin nudged me with his arm. So, we all pretended we didn’t see it and, after a few minutes, Dean was sleeping with his head resting on Castiel’s head. I may have taken a picture with my cell phone. Maybe one day it will be okay to share it with them.

You know, it was one of the best New Year’s Eve of my whole life. To be here with my friends, my family, is more than I could ever dream of having. I’ve always been pretty lonely, and although it never bothered me too much, I’ve always felt like an outsider. I even had fake names to go with my fake life, my fake job, my fake social security number, my fake IDs.

But being here, with these guys, I feel like I’m part of the team. I feel like I belong. I’m real. I’m part of something bigger than me and, here with them, it’s hard not to dream that everything will be alright in the end. It’s hard not to think we can beat the bad guys and save everyone. These guys have already given so much to save the world, and they’re ready to give more. They don’t care that no one will know what they did, what they’re doing. They don’t want recognition; they want their family and friends to be safe; that’s all. That’s why they do what they do.

I love them, and I really hope this year things will be different and, in the end, we can look behind us and say we won. Whatever ‘winning’ means.

They give me purpose. They give me hope.

They’re my family.

I may even tell them my real name. Someday.

 

THE END.


End file.
